emo-ing mode
Why am I always to one who get hurt?
I have many stories which I doesn't want to share with many people although I couldn't carry it alone. But I have too, simply because I doesn't want everybody to know my 'the other side'.
I am constantly being tortured by loneliness. Kenny says I'm lucky because I'm in Malaysia and have plenty of chance to find my cure, but Kenny, although I had the chanceSS, I dont really have the luckSSS. And I feel my condition is worse than you because those cures are right in front of me, but I couldn't grab it, because when I tried hard to get it, at the end, they say they are not mine to own. It's torturous. =(
When I was a teenager, I wasted all my time on having fun with friends. I did not regret about that because my life back then was like, never once failed to laugh till tears came out.
When I grown up, all my friends started to walk their own route. Here comes Loneliness.
There is cure but it is not a good thing either. Efforts have to poured, time have to be sacrificed. If you succeed in getting it, you will be cured, else you will be tortured faaar worse Loneliness.
I think it was during that time when I first had my drunk experience which is not long ago that I started to find an alternative to ease my agony.
Almost every time I drank eventhough it was just a can, I felt much happier and will forget most of my super-sad experience.
Almost every time I drank eventhough it was just a can, I smile and start talking nonsense which made everyone around me have a good time.
Almost every time I drank eventhough it was just a can, I let myself controlled by the sinful drug and it ease the pain in me.
Almost every time i drank eventhough it was just a can, Loneliness, you are gone.
And that is why I love you so much, alcohol.
I don't understand why everybody tried to stop me from drinking despite it's only a can. Why cant they understand that I really need it because I'm feeling pain? Besides, a can wont be that harmful, will it?
Most guys will accompany me in this drinking matter.
But all girls will keep stopping me. If you really care for me, why not you be my cure and end my Loneliness for good?
My experience made me afraid of loving anyone anything anymore. I dont even love my body now.
If I get to spar during taekwondo training, I fight with all my heart. Either to injure my opponent, or he injures me.
If I get to workout, I wont let my body rest, and torture it until it cant continue despite that it was painful sometimes.
If I get to drink, I wished so much to drink a whole bottle of chivas in one gulp to burn away my liver, kidney, and all the organs in my body. But of course, I'm still sane, I did not do that.
Anyhow, I know that I couldn't give up because I cannot depend on alcohol for my whole life. I will not give up until I find the cure.
But when there is times that I really need to drink, please understand that I really needs it because I couldn't bare those feeling anymore. You couldn't help me, my mum couldn't help me, no one can help me. So please,
Dont stop me from drinking, for now.
And, if possible, drink with me, or buy me some ;)
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